unsent #1

i do not know how to start this when i am about to pour out how i feel about you now.

i dont know even how to make poetry just like i used to do exclusively for you.

it has been ages since we've known each other. i know you loved me in your own way and you tried your best. but i wish you tried your best more to understand. i wish you tried your best more to feel me. you've been acting too sensitive, too nice...but i cannot guess if you truly cared. like, when i invited you over for a celebration, you simply said that i already had the important people in my life. did u not get the hint after all? or were you set into "numb" mode when it comes to me?

honestly, i dont need expensive presents from you...because i dunno what they are for. but let me tell you, if ever i gave you soemthing, i knew what it was for. you knew already how i feel about you, about us, and i understood what you told me before...but years and years have passed and we're here, stuck in the same ground.

i conditioned myself not to give in and expect. but the more we spend time together, the more you're being too sweet, things become worse. and it's big deal to me that you lie. i told myself before that you may have seen the "good" side that's why you did it. but i could not figure out hwta that good side is. you said, we're friends. i can settle with that. but why is it people who see us say we're more than that? but i am always quick to defend that WE are in fact, FRIENDS.

honestly, what we are is torture to me. takign this whatever this is, to the maximum potential, is too vague for me. i dunno whether we have a future together or eventually, you'll leave and forget about me. one time, you did walk out on me. the second time, i did on you. but i was sure deep down inside that when i did, i broke my own heart. because i wanted to talk to you but you weren't available. it seemed like you got many priorities and i must admit, it did hurt me. but what could i do? nothing. you just let me go without even holding me bck a little.

now, i am hurting again. i want you to somehow, pursue me, whether this is for amity or for romantic purposes. i cannot tell. you know what, ever since we've been close, i've already pictured out my old age with you. it's just that, that is a complete illusion -- a girl's fantasy and fantasies don't come true. i now believe, "spark" is created by guys, so they can make it an excuse if they don't want a girl. you see, people see me as a career woman, somebody who will still go a long way with her graduate degree and all. but guess what, that's not really what i want the most.

i only want to have my own someone to be with me and fight for me and witness my life until i die. that's all. i can leave all the achievments behind for it. i sometimes wish im like my friend who got pregnant and whose boyfriend stood by her and their baby. i wish i can just be a girl whose loved by a guy that she loves, too, and they are destined to be together.

i know we are not like this one. we're not written in the stars. you have differetn dreams. i also sometimes wonder what goes on in your mind when you're listening to me when we're together. i wonder if you think of me every time. i can only wish. i only pray you'd make also the move, the BIGGER move this time...because I am breaking down...and you don't see it.

you said you can somehow read my mind... really? then, why can't you tell that i am writing this now?